But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. –C.S. Lewis
Thanks so much for your gift. I felt that although we’re several miles apart you’re just right beside me, praying and sharing those nice thoughts of yours.
Been away from social media for sometime as my last chemo had really taken a toll on me. This is my fourth chemo. My oncologist changed the medicine to a much stronger drug. As it is part of the treatment plan. The drug is called Toxeter and I tell you, sometimes I don’t know how I managed it or how I am managing it. It is my 10th day from my chemo and it is still causing so much pain.
The pain radiates through my bones and muscles then affects the rest of my body. I felt more than having labour pains. And when I cough, if I let out about 4 coughs, that’s the amount of pain that radiates back.
Although I thought I was prepared for such a thing, I did not expect this much pain. It is unbearable, I take two 500 mg. of Tylenol round the clock, every four hours. I feel so heavy as I cannot move. Sometimes my daughter would help me up and down the stairs.
Food intake is also a challenge. My taste buds were the first to go, I couldn’t taste a thing especially something with salt. So it was hard for me to eat I had to resort to small amounts of food just to keep going.
One time I said, “I think I give up.. this is too much for me” because I felt I am in a cage full of pain and I can’t move nor do anything. I felt almost depressed, who can I turn to? I cried out and asked God to help me, help me bear the pain. I cried and cried. I groaned every time the pain came and then asked myself, till when will I suffer?
Then I remembered the song, “It is well with my soul” .. I sang the first verse– when peace like a river attendeth my soul, when sorrow like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou hast caused me to come, It is well, It is well with my soul.”
And yes, it is well with my soul. “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold”. Psalms 18:2.
I hope you don’t mind me sharing you this, I just felt that you know what I am going through..
Thanks again… by the way I might share this in my blog.. if you don’t mind. Today I am slowly gaining strength, took advantage of the tylenol effect so I had time to do this..
And so a friend said, “It is amazing that people who are vulnerable are those who can really speak from the heart and touch others’ hearts.
“Just open your heart, vulnerability is God’s instrument to humble us and open our hands for his blessing”
I often look forward to my chemo schedules, it’s usually every third Tuesday of the month. Not that I am getting too comfortable with chemo it’s just that I look forward to the people I meet. For me, every experience is different. By the way, yes it is different for me now because my oncologist changed my Chemo to Toxeter, which is given in the other room and this is where I have seen different people. Men, women, and even young people who are undergoing chemo.
Today is particularly interesting coz’ I met a woman, 2 years half more than my age. She was full of life, smiling and even doing her piece of art, her beading. While in bet I looked at her and said I liked her bead work and that my daughter does beading too but just the 1/2 inch bracelets. The lady’s beadwork was more complicated that she even made a watch out of it. It was piece of art. She smiled and said, “you have a daughter? and I said yes, the one who does beading is 14”. Then I went on and said, “I have 3 kids”. She couldn’t believe I have two teenagers and 1 adult. But then imagine she’s 82 years old, still able to move around, jolly, and with a great sense of humour. I asked her secret and she said, “I have a personal trainer for about ten years now, I do some weights at times and just eat my veggies and those healthy stuff”.
Isn’t that interesting, here I am 44 on chemo and not in my best shape I suppose. One thing I get out of this is the hope she exudes, her whole outlook of being positive radiates to everyone she meets. She’s having chemo and radiation all in the same day. And here she is with her beadwork and uplifting spirit.
So I said to myself, it is the hope we share, no matter what circumstances we are in, it’s having the ability to share the hope that we too have. This is my 4th chemo and as the pharmacist explained, the side effects of the drug I have now is a bit worse than my first three cycles. Sounds scary and I am a bit scared but then again, to have a wider perspective in my current situation, I do have to keep an open mind and keep asking God for strength. There were times when I felt down because of this new journey yet it is a new journey that brings hope requiring constant focus on God.
I should say, I have embraced a new community of people where I share the same sentiments, same feelings though not exactly the same treatment, but there’s one thing that we have in common, it is the hope of healing, the promise of a better future and the life we share with others so that they may also learn from what we have. For sure I have learned a lot from my present state, and I am continuously learning from it too.
A New Journey for me, closing a chapter in my life moving to a new one while carrying with me memories of days where I looked forward to going to work, driving north to 400, thanking God for the beautiful sceneries.
Those were the days when I just hop in my car, driving to favourite places such as High Park for breakfast or up North, west or east to explore sceneries, culture and people and just doing those day-to-day activities.
A bit of change, a new normal. Uncomfortable, Yes. Limitations? yes but a matter of perspective. I pray for strength. I live, love, walk with faith and continue to travel focusing on getting well and living well.
I share my life, I wrap myself with the grace of God, the love of my family and friends and the life I show to my community. At the end of the day, a chapter has closed with new experiences and lessons learned. All these I carry towards my new beginning.
At the end of the day, I am me – learning and growing as life unfolds. I am me, keeping an open mind, I hold on to my faith in God,the confidence of knowing and walking with Christ; The promise of hope and love as I look towards another chapter in my life.